Workbrain Needs a Lobotomy

lo·bot·o·my :surgical severance of nerve fibers connecting the frontal lobes to the thalamus performed especially formerly for the relief of some mental disorders

Ah, Sunday morning. Listening to music on Rhapsody. Drinking coffee. Waiting for Roxanne to wake up so we can decide what, if anything, we want to do today. I'm actually off today, on a Sunday. The last Sunday I had off was January 6. By my count, that's eleven straight Sundays, including Easter Sunday, which we normally would've been closed on, but corporate greed decided we needed to be open on the holiday. It's about 10:40 am as I write this. Normally, I'd be scrambling to get a shower, get breakfast and get dressed to be at work by 12:30. But not today! I'm off today. And why am I off? Because I had to bloody request it, that's why. And for the record, I'm scheduled to work next Sunday that I know of, which will probably start another stretch of a dozen Sundays until I request one off. My manager said that she now is expected to work at least two Sundays a month, so maybe I won't have to work every Sunday, but I'll believe that when I see it.

You see, the company I work for uses a piece of software called 'Workbrain.' Sounds cool, eh? Well it f---ing sucks! This, presumably expensive, software program is supposed to create a balanced schedule based on sales projections, store hours, and, of course, the individual's productivity based on their sales. Balanced, my left nut! How's it balanced for one person to work every Sunday? The stupid program thinks I'm the only key-holder available on Sunday! Sure, my manager's tried to fix it, but the information won't take for some reason, and so I get stuck with working every Sunday. But that's not the only thing this great and wonderful software does that makes no sense. Let me give you a typical schedule of mine for a given week; in fact, I'll give you two weeks so you can see that it's a constant, not just a fluke (keep in mind, our pay week runs from Saturday through Friday):

March 22 – 28
Saturday 11:30am – 9:00pm
Sunday 12:30pm – 6:00pm
Monday OFF
Tuesday 9:00am – 1:00pm
Wednesday OFF
Thursday 8:30am – 11:30am (what was the f---ing point of even going in?)
Friday 11:15am – 9:00pm

March 29 – April 4
Saturday 9:00am – 1:15pm
Sunday OFF (remember, I requested this one)
Monday 8:30am – 1:30pm (and the next person comes in at 11:30am, so I'll be opening alone)
Tuesday 8:30am – 9:00pm (yep, 12 ½ hour day because the manager's on vacation and the other key-holder needs a day off too)
Wednesday OFF (the other key-holder gets to do the 12 ½ hour routine)
Thursday 8:30am – 6:15pm
Friday 8:30am – 1:30pm

And then, on the following Saturday, April 5, I don't got in until 5:00pm and have a schedule in which I do nothing but close every night, occasionally going in as early as 11:15am or as late as 5:00pm. Sure, that makes sense, right?

Now, you'd think that the manager would have some control over all this. NOPE. The district manager has basically forbidden the store managers from making edits to the schedule; it is to be worked as Workbrain did it, because Workbrain did it that way for a reason. Yeah, the reason is the programmer was a moron! The schedule makes no sense when on one day I'll work a 10 hour shift, only to have a three or four hour shift on a couple of other days; please, for the love of Mike just give me five, six-to-eight hour shifts like a normal person and rotate the freakin' weekends! That's the problem with allowing a computer program to do the scheduling instead of a person; there's no sense of fairness or balance. The machine just sees numbers and tries to predict who needs to be where and when. But, it can't even do that right, not when it schedules a mere two people on a Saturday night, but will have three working until an hour before closing on a mid-week day. Please, someone give Workbrain a programming lobotomy – it has a mental disorder!

~ JC

Upcoming: The results for the poll at the Blogger version of my blog will be posted on Tuesday (possibly not until late, if you happened to notice my schedule above for that day). You still have Sunday and Monday to vote. So far, “Tweak the layout and content, but keep it” has the lead at 50%, while the smart asses that actually chose “42” are at 30%, and the simple answer of “Keep it” is at 20%.

Once Easter's Gone, They're Gone

Today is Easter Sunday; that day that Christians buy new clothes and go to church to celebrate the resurrection of their Saviour, Jesus. For some of them, it's the only day of the year that they set foot in a church. However, I'm not here to discuss that. I'm writing, instead of a much more important topic; the Cadbury Creme Egg.

These wonderful confectionery delights are only available for a few months out of the year, from January 1 to Easter. Does this seem fair to you? To further our torture, the folks at Cadbury-Schwepps have launched multiple variations of the addictive treat. According to Wikipedia, these variations include the mini-creme eggs, caramel eggs, mini-caramel eggs, orange creme eggs and chocolate creme eggs, to name just the ones I've been able to find in local stores.

I've often wondered why these wonderful candies are only available for such a limited time, when they seem to be so popular. Like most folks, I discovered the Cadbury Creme Egg when I was but a youth, but my love for them has carried over into my adulthood. The only good thing about their limited availability that I can think of, is that the day after Easter they'll go on sale for half price and I can stock up and store them in the refrigerator for several weeks (if my addiction will allow them to last that long). In fact, I don't know which addiction is worse, the Eggs or Krispy Kreme Donuts? Personally, I love the original, but being a bit of a caramel junky, it was an exciting day when I found out they were making the caramel version. My fiancée disagrees, however and would rather have just the originals; Ok, so more caramel eggs for me then! I can live with that.

But tell me friends and gentle readers, which do you prefer? Leave a comment and share your love for the Cadbury Creme Egg in all it's various and sundry versions.

Oh yeah, before I forget, Happy Easter!

Upcoming Blog Topics: “Workbrain Needs a Lobotomy” (March 30), “Random Rantings of a Retail Sales Clerk” (TBD). Don't forget, there's only a few days left to vote in the poll about whether or not I should keep my website, Carlisle's Chaotic Corner, open or not. Thanks to the nine of you who have already voted. The results will be posted on April 1 (no foolin')

FORE!

Long about the year 1456 C.E., some Scotsmen got together and invented a sport involving putting a little ball, not much more than 1½ inches in diameter into a hole not much bigger than that. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, well that hole was several hundred yards away, and you have to accomplish this feat eighteen times and in the fewest number of strokes using a crooked stick! They called this sport, golf, presumably from an old Scottish Gaelic word which meant “to strike or cuff.” Some 541 years later, a kid named “Tiger” would turn the sport on its ear and generate tons of interest in the game in folks who had previously seen it as pointless.

One of those people who thought golf was a pointless game is currently writing this blog article. I had for years said that I'd never play golf and held to the Carlinian¹ point of view that it was a “sexist, racist, elitist sport.” Then along came Tiger, and my attitude changed a bit. I also was in Bible college at the time Tiger won the Masters Tournament,² and we were allowed to play at one of the area golf courses for free with our student ID and since it seemed that all church pastors were golfers, it seemed like the thing to try. So, I found a set of very old golf clubs (which I still have) at a junk store for $30, bought a cheap box of golf balls and gave it a try. I figured, if I hated it, there were plenty of guys on campus who were always borrowing clubs that I could easily get my $30 back. Well, I messed up and fell in love with the game, though it threatened to take my sanity and I came close on more than one occasion to breaking the clubs and/or throwing them in the lake. At least once a week, my buddy Kris and I would drive over to Hartwell Golf Club and play at least nine holes, lose at least four or five balls each, throw a club at least once, but always have a lot of fun while getting some exercise³ and getting off campus for a couple or three hours.

After I left Georgia and moved back home to North Carolina, I didn't play for a couple of years, because I didn't have that magic student ID card anymore and I didn't have a “golfin' buddy.” Then I met Jeremiah and we started the same routine that Kris and I had in Georgia; play golf once a week. The difference was, Jere and I used the cart (because it was included in the price of the round) and we had a cooler full of beer (hey, I wasn't in Bible college anymore and had never become a pastor :-P). A few months later, Jeremiah moved to another city and I was again without a “golfin' buddy” and quit playing for about two years.

May 2007, another friend of mine got married in Atlanta and had taken up the game, so the day before the wedding, all the guys got together and played golf. It had been the first time in two years I had even taken my clubs out of the storage room and it showed (not that I was all that good to begin with). That Saturday in Georgia last year, though, rekindled my love of the game and when I returned to Fayetteville, I decided it was time to get new clubs and start playing again regularly, even if I had to play by myself. In fact, the very week I got back from Rob's wedding in Georgia, the two of us got together to play a round when he came up to visit his parents.

I've been playing pretty steady for a few months now. I still suck at it, as evidenced in my score cards, several of which you can view online. While it's true that golf can become expensive, I've found a couple of courses that are pretty cheap, only $10 or $20 for a round of eighteen holes, and I was able to get my clubs on layaway at Dick's Sporting Goods. I need lessons, for sure, but I'll have to either win the lottery or wait for those supposed tax rebate checks the government is supposed to send out in May before I could afford that.

Why do I play, you ask? Simple; as maddening as it can be, and as much money as I spend on golf balls to replace all the ones I lose to “water hazard gods” every time I play, it relaxes me. I get to be outside, away from the stresses of life and just enjoy myself. Most days, at least at the smaller course I play at, I meet someone new and occasionally pick up some pointers and tips from them. Besides, it's not like I'm going to learn how to skate and become hockey player at my age, right?

Golf is also a game of honor and integrity; a couple of traits that are increasingly lacking in this country. It's the only sport, as Hardy Greaves stated in “The Legend of Bagger Vance,” that you can call a penalty on yourself (provided you're honest, and most golfer's are). So, get some clubs (those crooked sticks I mentioned before) and play golf America!

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1. I'm referring here to comedian George Carlin and comments he once made during one of his comedy concerts in the early 1990's or late 1980's.

2. setting a tournament record for low score (-18) which still stands to this day, by the way

3. we walked the course; we could play for free, but using the golf carts cost money and we were poor college students, which is why we usually only played nine holes because we didn't want to walk the entire eighteen.

Next week: a special Easter Sunday blog

So Many Books, So Little Time

I love books. At last count I own 266 books, most of which are, unfortunately, in storage right now. I also love to read, when I have the time and energy. Lately it seems, I either have no time to read or no energy to do so and fall asleep whenever I pick up one of the many books in my collection that are yet unread.

I'll give you an example. I'm currently reading Planeswalker by Lynn Abbey, which is the second book in the Artifacts Cycle of the multi-book, multi-author series of Magic: The Gathering novels. I began reading it on October 29, 2007. Yep, that's right, I'm only half way through a novel of merely 359 pages and it's taken me four-and-a-half months to get that far. Sounds ridiculous, eh? I agree.

At one time I was quite a voracious reader. Even a 400-600 page novel scarcely would last a week in my eager hands. Now, though, it seems my desire is there but I can't get motivated. The “spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak,” as it were. I remember back in October figuring out that if I knuckled down and read at least one book a week and didn't add anymore books to my personal library, it would take me somewhere in the vicinity of six months to get caught up. Evidently I'm failing at that concept in two respects; I haven't been reading a book a week (obviously) and since October at least two new books were added to my collection. To make things worse, I belong to The Science-Fiction Book Club and have a contractual obligation to purchase at least four more books within the next few months, which means I'll be making my six month estimate stretch out even farther.

It's not that I'm lazy or that the books I have strike me as boring. It's truly a matter of mental discipline. For example, as I write this blog entry, I could be reading instead. When I spend two to four hours on the golf course, I could be at a coffee shop reading instead. Let's not also forget the countless hours wasted in front of the television even when there's not a single damn thing worth watching on at the time. Add all that up, and even with my slow reading speed of twenty to thirty pages per hour, and I could've finished at least one book by now if not three! In other words, the title of this blog is really a bit of a misnomer as it's not really that I don't have time, it's that I don't make time to spend reading. That's really a sad fact considering how much I complain that there's nothing on TV anymore except reality show bullshit and there haven't been much in the way of good movies lately either. One thing's for sure; I don't need to buy anymore books for a very long while and should probably consider taking some of the ones I do own to a used bookstore.

~ JC

Next week (Sunday, March 16): my commentary on Golf and why I play the game